theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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