Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
