My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
