we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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