Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
