Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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