Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize