i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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