Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
