At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
