Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
