Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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