Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
