Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
