i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
