Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm passing your future prison.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
