the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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