dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
