I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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