Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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