i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
