If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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