I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Randomize
