when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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