He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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