she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
