is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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