I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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