captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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