ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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