..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you inspire me to be a worse person
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
