I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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