Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
