just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
