It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
try to milk me bitch
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