no, he came in my armpit
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Is Oprah even human
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
