Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
