separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I am one with the molecules
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
