My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
