i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
