I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Less talking, more tequila
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
