last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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