And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
