I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
