Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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