When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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