You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
