Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize