wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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