I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I queefed so loud it echoed.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize