I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I think people are normalizing furries
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
