1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
