FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
