Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There's always time for handjobs
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
