I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
