I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
