this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
