Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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