I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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