don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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