Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
