the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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