: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I smell stomach acid.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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