It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
