dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
