Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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