I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
