so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
