I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I bet he comes in French.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
