I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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